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Deeper

When you saw her I disappeared from your mind immediately

Maybe it was her smile

Her laugh

The way she looked at you

Maybe she stroked your ego

Made you feel like a man

Maybe it was deeper than that

Maybe it was just a game

She was younger than me

You would leave me to be around her

Hide messages and lie

Made her feel special

more special than I

she was apart of a secret

she talked to you about things

you confided in her

things we were suppose to be doing

you chose to do with her

she spread her legs for you

you entered her

her lips touched yours

she felt your skin

you caressed her flesh

When I found out about this secret I died inside

I felt my heart break

clutched my chest

and felt as if  I lost myself

I could barely breath

Maybe it's because I'm not good enough

Not pretty enough

Maybe I'm not fun enough

My body isn't perfect

Maybe it's my smile

my laugh

The way I looked at you

Maybe I didn't stroke your ego

Didn't make you feel like a man

Maybe it was deeper than that

Maybe it was just a game

I stopped loving what made me ,ME

I started hating my entire existence

I hated the essence of myself

What made her worth it ? You Risked it all for her

What made me not worth it ? Why Wouldn't you risk it all for me . ?

Was it the way she walked ?

Or talked ?

That turned you on ?

I started watching the way my mouth moved as it formed words

I hated my mouth

I was paying attention to my walk and suddenly I was too tired to get out of bed

Too busy criticizing the way my hips moved my knees bend

was I stepping too lightly ?

Did I walk with a slight limp ?

Was it my hair ?

It wasn't long enough ?

I told myself I looked like a man with my short hair

I need a wig

A sew-in

Just something to make me feel like I was actually desired

Was it my skin ?

I had a blemish or two

Too much ink maybe ?

A few stretch marks

and cellulite

I loathed my own skin

the impurities

the art

even the texture and the scent

The true meaning of feeling completely detached from my physical self

Disgusted by my genetic make up

wishing I was different a race

why is my nose like this ?

My eyes so brown and lifeless

my lips aren't big enough

why can't I just be someone new?

Someone more like her ?

Maybe then he would want me

Desire me

Risk anything to be with me

maybe then I would be worth it

A new smile

a new laugh

new eyes to look at

stroking your ego

making you feel like a man

Then would it be something deep ? Or would it stil be just a game ?


-RB

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