Deeper
When you saw her I disappeared from your mind immediately
Maybe it was her smile
Her laugh
The way she looked at you
Maybe she stroked your ego
Made you feel like a man
Maybe it was deeper than that
Maybe it was just a game
She was younger than me
You would leave me to be around her
Hide messages and lie
Made her feel special
more special than I
she was apart of a secret
she talked to you about things
you confided in her
things we were suppose to be doing
you chose to do with her
she spread her legs for you
you entered her
her lips touched yours
she felt your skin
you caressed her flesh
When I found out about this secret I died inside
I felt my heart break
clutched my chest
and felt as if I lost myself
I could barely breath
Maybe it's because I'm not good enough
Not pretty enough
Maybe I'm not fun enough
My body isn't perfect
Maybe it's my smile
my laugh
The way I looked at you
Maybe I didn't stroke your ego
Didn't make you feel like a man
Maybe it was deeper than that
Maybe it was just a game
I stopped loving what made me ,ME
I started hating my entire existence
I hated the essence of myself
What made her worth it ? You Risked it all for her
What made me not worth it ? Why Wouldn't you risk it all for me . ?
Was it the way she walked ?
Or talked ?
That turned you on ?
I started watching the way my mouth moved as it formed words
I hated my mouth
I was paying attention to my walk and suddenly I was too tired to get out of bed
Too busy criticizing the way my hips moved my knees bend
was I stepping too lightly ?
Did I walk with a slight limp ?
Was it my hair ?
It wasn't long enough ?
I told myself I looked like a man with my short hair
I need a wig
A sew-in
Just something to make me feel like I was actually desired
Was it my skin ?
I had a blemish or two
Too much ink maybe ?
A few stretch marks
and cellulite
I loathed my own skin
the impurities
the art
even the texture and the scent
The true meaning of feeling completely detached from my physical self
Disgusted by my genetic make up
wishing I was different a race
why is my nose like this ?
My eyes so brown and lifeless
my lips aren't big enough
why can't I just be someone new?
Someone more like her ?
Maybe then he would want me
Desire me
Risk anything to be with me
maybe then I would be worth it
A new smile
a new laugh
new eyes to look at
stroking your ego
making you feel like a man
Then would it be something deep ? Or would it stil be just a game ?
-RB