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Blame

I don’t blame you

I’m just trying to talk to a brick wall

I gave you the playbook on how to Love me

I tell you exactly what I want ,

need,

and require to stay in your life

I’ve always been blunt

Never had to read my mind

I open up and tell you my darkest thoughts through times of despair

I’m there when you need me

And when you push me away

I try my hardest to show just how committed I am

Even when I didn’t get that same respect in return

I gave up many things …

things I never thought I would do for anyone

took sacrifices because I thought we were a team

I thought he loved me just as much as I loved him

So it’s worth the depression I’m feeling

It’s worth the “ I don’t feel like talking “ rejection over and over again

I thought if I told you what I truly needed from you because I’m struggling

that it would be no big deal since I showed you that same kindness

I thought you were soft with me

I thought you would never hurt me again

since you knew just how precious this connection was

I thought you saw how loving , forgiving , and caring I was

I thought You could finally keep your promises

I thought if I opened up you would listen

But instead I just felt invisible like you don’t see me , hear me ….

I thought men were the protectors …

not the abusers

I thought if you saw how much I was breaking

You would be strong for me

I’ve swallowed my pride

put my feelings aside to speak life into you even after breaking my heart

I thought I meant something

I thought I was special

I thought I could be put first sometimes

I thought you understood me when no one else ever has

I thought you were the one

I thought I wanted to marry you and have babies with you

Once upon a time just waking up to you was my dream come true

I thought if I forgave time and time again you would have more love & respect for me

But it actually caused you to have less for me

I never thought you would ever hurt me again because you knew how rare I was

And in the end …..

I still don’t blame you

I never should have expected anything

Just because I’m forgiving

Loving

And put my feelings to the side doesn’t mean Ill get that in return

Anxiety in relationships cause me to act out

your actions actually make me feel so invisible

That I end up snapping & go crazy just for you notice me finally

And all it takes to calm me down is for the man I love to grab me firmly and say "I see you ,

I hear you

You’re not alone

& I got you baby …"

That would erase so much pain

But I know I won’t get that

I won’t live in that fantasy

I’ll just disappear

Go through it all alone because that’s the reality

I let this break me

So I must take accountability

I should’ve walked away after the first disrespectful act ,

the first lie

the first betrayal …

especially after knowing all I’ve battled in the past

I didn’t deserve more heartache

And yet I stayed anyway

I thought wrong ….

Once again

I can only blame myself ...

once again

Falling in love with emotionally unavailable men

Seems to be my trend

And as my father would say

"That’s what you get for thoughtin and not thinking"

logic would have saved me from so much pain

This pussy ass heart I have

Drives me insane

I have to take the blame


-RB

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