Mary

I was just eating lunch with our son

Suddenly I heard the door bell

I saw two Soldiers on the porch

My heart sunk to my stomach

I began breathing heavily as I answered the door

I could see the sadness in their eyes

They told me you were lost and presumed dead

I screamed as I fell to my knees

Everything started spinning

Tears rushed from my eyes

As I felt a part of me die inside

Our son ran to me, and tried to help me stand

He’s only fourteen

He shouldn’t have to see me like this

He held me as we cried

I wiped his tears

Starred into his eyes, and I saw you

That broke my heart even more

Now today I put on my black dress

Your son is tall enough to fit your favorite suit

He’s a spitting image of you

I refuse to cry in front of him today

I swallow my tears as a large lump forms in my throat

I hear the church bells ring as we walk up the steps

Dragging my feet with each step I take

My heart is racing

Hands shaking as I try to hold myself together

I feel as empty as this casket I’m staring at

I curse that American Flag draped across it

Everyone is staring at me with pity in their eyes

Oh, honey I just want to run and hide

All I can think is why?

Why did you leave me?

How could you leave your son?

How will I teach him to be a man?

You never had the “Man talk” with him

I have no idea what to say

We had so many plans

We were supposed to travel

You promised me Italy, Paris, and Jamaica

I can’t imagine going without you

I can barely imagine eating breakfast alone

Your sister gets in front of the church

All these negative thoughts stop for a moment

She’s reads the most beautiful poem

As I shed a single tear

She tells the story from when you were sixteen

You stole your dad’s truck to go drinking with friends

Almost got away with it too until you ran into the mailbox

Your father was so mad

He snapped on you, and you puked right on his slippers

Everyone laughs at that story

Little do they know

That night meant so much more to us

We lost our virginities to each other

It was awkward and beautiful at the same time

In the back of that pickup truck

Under the stars

I was lost in your eyes

The moon light reflected off your face

You were the most beautiful creature I ever laid eyes on

That’s the night we conceived our son

I feel another crack in my heart

As I reminisce

Overwhelmed with emotion

I’m about to lose it in front of all these people

At that moment

Your mother steps up

She sings the most beautiful song

Her smile lifts everyone’s spirit for a moment

She truly is the sweetest and strongest women I know

Her demeanor calms me for the time being

The funeral is finally over

Hearing those gun shots

As they lower that empty box into the ground

I pray one last time to wake up from this nightmare

I clutch my chest as it tightens

Reminding myself to breath

I’m not ready to say goodbye my love

I refuse to

You must be out there somewhere

I will not accept this death

This isn’t our fate

Some may call me crazy baby, but I won’t give up

I will find you somehow

I will bring you home

-Rae B .

From the book : Tales of a broken girl ( Part One)

To get a copy : Instagram @rae.of.faith_93